I Can't NOT Blog This

Disclaimer: I apologize in advance for this post. Although it is my policy not to blog about celebrity comings and goings, this is just impossible not to mention. Some may find the subject matter disturbing, and if you're easily offended, you might want to skip this one. And yes, this post will live up to all this hype.

The post begins… now.

So you may have heard of Vincent Gallo – actor/director/all-around nutjob. He's quasi-famous for being a pretentious ———. To help convince you of this, here are some choice quotes for you to chew on:

  • “I don't trust or love anyone. Because people are so creepy. Creepy creepy creeps. Creeping around. Creeping here and creeping there. Creeping everywhere. Crippity crappity creepies.”
  • “I never apologized for anything in my life. The only thing I'm sorry about is putting a curse on Roger Ebert's colon. If a fat pig like Roger Ebert doesn't like my movie, then I'm sorry for him.
  • “I want to thank Gus Van Sant for selling out so that I could use his editor Curtis Clayton, who did a great job.”
  • “I'm sorry I'm not gay or Jewish, so I don't have a special interest group of journalists that support me.”

    Charming. But even I was surprised when I stumbled upon this horror via Gallery of the Absurd (quoted here in its entirety, from his “Merchandise” page, under “Misc”):


    Vincent Gallo's Sperm

    $1 Million

    Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11″ and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

    **Clicking “Buy Now” will charge a $1,000 deposit via Paypal. The remaining balance will be due by cashiers check, wire transfer, or personal check and is due within seven days of purchase date. Item will ship when full payment has cleared.

    I can't really add much to this, but this particular gem caught my eye: “Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount.” Ummmmm, Nazis (Y”Sh)? He wants his kid to be a descendant of a Nazi? Holy ****.

    So… yeah. Again, sorry about this post. You may vomit at will.

    –YY

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