Coca-Cola Cult

Coke's clumsy marketing strategies are always fun. But this one is just weird. They started a blog called The Zero Movement around June 2005. They even have a cute little “manifesto”:

There was a question that had been lurking in the back of mind for some time, slowly building, until one day it demanded an answer. I could no longer ignore what had started as a whisper and eventually became a scream:
What if you could have more zero in your life?
Zero Hassles. Zero Stress. Zero Fights. Zero Worries. Zero Limits. Zero Consequences. Zero Parking Fines. Zero Demands. Zero Frowns. Zero deadlines.
Why do the fun things in life have to come with negative results?
Consequences that hold us back. Limit us. Stop us from living full liberated lives.
And so was born the zero movement.
The zero movement is here to rid the world of the negative consequences that limit us all.
We don't need other peoples expectations, their shoulds, their rules of behaviour.
I realised, my friends realised, and now more and more people are realising:
What the world needs is a whole lot more Zero.
And there's a good chance, now that you've found this website, that you've realised it too.
What experiences have made you decide you need a lot more zero in your life? What negative things would life be better off without?
Add your thoughts to the zero movement manifesto and make sure your voice is heard.

Riiiight. My favorite line is this: “Why do the fun things in life have to come with negative results? Consequences that hold us back.” Stupid consequences. Always getting in the way. We should really do something about those.

But wait, what have we here? Coke Zero? No calories? No consequences? Oh, joy!

They also have a list of deeeeeep questions:

Why can't a hard day's work come with a happy ending?
Why can't my life plan be zero plans?
Why can't the weekend come with zero Sunday shopping?
why can't I channel the passion of my sporting heroes at work?
Why can't chick flicks be: guy meets girl, guy gets girl, guy watches footy, girl gets snacks?
Why don't women consider everything small “soooooo cute”?
why can't deadlines be flexible?
Why can't new years come with zero resolutions?
Why can't speed dating come with speed foreplay followed by speed moving on?
why can't my salary be doubled and my responsibilities halved?
why can't every weekend be long?
why can't Christmas break last all summer?
why not have a deep and meaningless?
why doesn't the boss come with a mute button?
Why isn't checking someone out considered appreciation?

This would all be kinda sad if it was some deluded teenager posting this stuff, but it's actually a committee of faceless suits from a multibillion dollar conglomerate. So we've basically gone from sad to creepy.

But if I may paraphrase the site itself (by globally replacing “boss” and “your boss” with “The Coca-Cola Corporation”):

Picture this: The Coca-Cola Corporation is throwing out questions like an over zealous prosecutor in a courtroom… You casually reach over for the remote control, hit the mute button and then zone out. The Coca-Cola Corporation's mouth is moving but there ain't no sound coming out! Just nod and smile while you think about what you're going to do when you finish [not drinking poison] for the day. I think I'm onto a winner, might have to patent this genius idea.

Well said, sleazy marketers!



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